Connecting to My Starseed Self

I’ll be honest, I never really knew what a starseed was. I had never heard of it before, wasn’t something I had ever dreamed of knowing about myself. But one day, somehow, I stumbled across someone talking about this stuff. I was always on a quest to know more about myself, know more about the world, how everything works. I guess it’s that little 4-year-old girl inside of me who was always asking questions none of the adults around me knew answers to! Thank god she stayed alive throughout all of the ‘mess’ of my life… without her, I think I would’ve died. Or stayed dead rather. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Or not, who knows. I can even remember one of my favorite books as a kid was this GIANT book that answered, oh, I don’t know, what felt like 500 questions about life, the world, plants, animals, water, bodies, existence… for kids of course. It certainly didn’t answer all of the questions I had and I even remember debating with my mom the validity of some of these answers!

I used to scroll through the internet late at night literally creating a never-ending entanglement of Google searches. Page after page after page I would bookmark to read later – there was SO much stuff to LEARN! So much stuff that felt RIGHT as this all began during a time period when nothing in my life was aligned. I would lay in bed, sad, lonely, depressed, lost, EMPTY inside for days on end, as I went through a period of what I would consider quite serious depression. Not many people REALLY knew about it… that’s the great thing about depression. “What!? You’re NOT depressed! Look at you, you’re beautiful!” People would say. As if my physical appearance has something to do with it! I think depression is one of the best kept secrets of most people’s lives. Either that or they just don’t want to admit it to myself.

Anyways, yes, during my serious depression came all of those debilitating questions like, what’s my life purpose, what do I do next, how do I find something that makes me feel A LIVE again, like there’s a LIFE worth living, like there’s some form of life that is able to exist inside of me, because I could NOT go on living this mundane existence anymore. That ate away at me for years and years, and I surely did a fair enough job at escaping it.

So yes, scrolling away all the time, for YEARS I did this. Always questioning who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. A DEEP un-tanglement I had to go through to find that core center again. Years of BAGGAGE claimed my existence – codependency, always living for someone else, always unsure of myself, abuse, lies, fears, tears, family drama, abandonment, and so on and so forth. You get the drift. So, honestly, quite truly, thank GOD, or thank my soul rather, for PUSHING that one little annoying question out from under all of that junk I had holding onto myself… my mind, my body, my soul, making me live as someone else.

I remember I had started learning about energy, psychic abilities, shifting consciousness, ‘awakening’. Websites like Elephant Journal, in5D, random astrologers and Kindle books about Chakras were guiding me. I had moved past the general thought leaders and sped into more stuff like psychics, quantum physics, astrologers, energy healers, Abraham Hicks (😝). And I don’t remember who it was specifically, but somehow, I ended up learning about starseeds. And honestly? I didn’t think too much of it, ironically. After all the things that rang SO true for me, excited me, expanded me… starseeds… hm, cool. I’d take a silly little quiz to find out ‘who I was’, and that was it. I think, quite frankly, I just wasn’t ready and open to receive that yet probably because IT WAS ME and the BANE of my existence relied on the never-ending question of ‘who am I’. So OF COURSE, I’d block myself off from it, because I was still very much living from a 3D perspective at the time.

That’s usually what wakes us up, isn’t it? The soul’s sheer desperation to GET THE FUCK OUT of the unconscious entrapment of 3D. So as much as I love to live and play from 5D and beyond, I’m still quite grateful for the value of my shreds of 3D perspective. Because honestly – who would I BE if I WASN’T so unsure of myself? Who would I BE if I DID find out my true self? Right? As much as I was ‘living a lie’, finding the truth felt like a lie on its own. Kinda funny how all that stuff works 😝. Tricky little bugger I was… so random I never even say that phrase.

I was in resistance of the thing I wanted the most, I was in resistance of my truth, I was in resistance of ALLOWING myself to RECEIVE my full and truest self. Because, quite frankly, that just wasn’t how I rolled! Leading myself into a web and a never-ending circle was what I did, clearly. Well, clear to me now I suppose. Because something inside of me (my programming, my attachments, my energetic junk from this life and previous ones) just HAD to hide. HAD to resist. HAD to play victim. HAD to stay trapped in that super tiny, dark, suffocating, stifling, wet, moist, smelly, ugly, disgusting, black hole box I had stuffed myself in. Was it former abuse? Was it my upbringing? Was it a past life? Was it codependency? I didn’t know. But as much as I wanted out, I wanted to stay in. For fear of abandoning myself. For fear of wearing myself too thin. For fear of responsibility. Yeah, it takes RESPONSIBILITY to OWN who you are, stand tall in your TRUE POWER and embody your SOUL’S self.

And love. It required love. Oooh. Scary word. Love? Me? No. I was in resistance of love practically ever since I was born. Love was TERRIFYING TO ME, which is why I craved it so much. Daddy issues, mommy issues, you name it, I embodied it. But that’s the beauty of my experience – I came here TO shift through those experiences TO find love. To EMBODY the 5D frequency. To find the truth of it all. (I’ll have to save this for another post, but I also find it ironic that I have always had this chord for honesty… maybe a little too much honesty… and truth, yet I always was perceived as dishonest and my family has sooooo many entanglements around lies and betrayal!). But love… I mean… what if it was taken away from me? What did it ACTUALLY feel like? What would I do to myself if I had it? Probably self-sabotage.

Oh, the glory of finding our starseed self. For some, depending on their soul’s evolution, it’s practically right there all along. For others, they must lead the way with fear and doubt on a never-ending quest to allow that ‘inner star’ to explode and expand into someone else.

And so I had all of this… STUFF, that’s what it is, really, just ‘stuff’, just matter that needs to be… needs not the right word… that CAN be shifted into a higher frequency out of the density of its vibration. And all of this stuff was keeping me real me trapped inside, looping me round and around in circles to keep me safe from LIFE. Because to exist, truly, freely, abundantly, expansively, joyously, playfully, passionately, intuitively, ecstatically, was a lie. LIFE, was a lie. LIFE, was a false reality. LIFE was something that could not exist inside of me, not at that state. LIFE was abandonment. LIFE was the essence of my true nature. But I somewhere along the lines (I could probably think of a thing or two) learned that LIFE was bad, my true nature was BAD, it got me in trouble. It caused me pain and suffering and I didn’t want that so, to protect myself, I must LEAD the way to pain and suffering on my own!

I suppose that dark, damp, empty black hole was kind of comforting in its suffocating state, right? That it least it kept me from having to FEEL anything else. Because DAMN I will tell you that was one of the first triggers for me. Was that I realized I COULD NOT FEEL. I could not cry. I could not feel happy. I felt like I was living a lie! I’d look around all my friends as we got stoned and drove around, laughing, being free with themselves, and me just playing along, going through the motions, pretending how I was supposed to be in these situations, just DYING inside to be free enough to FEEL those things again. And that scared me. That was one of my many ‘wake up calls’. Was that I could. Not. Feel. Who was I? That I literally couldn’t feel anything? Except anger I suppose. Anger would pop up every now and again. But you know the actual FEELING of excitement in your stomach? Gone. The actual FEELING of your heart skipping a beat with joy? GONE. The actual FEELING of life flowing through you? GONE.

And tears. I mean. Tears were a huge part of me, and still are. They are how I process emotion as I am deeply feminine and deeply sensitive. Whether it’s my energy or something else I have picked up on, or something from the galactic whole, TEARS cleanse my soul. I’m one of the ‘weirdos’ out there who will totally admit that I LOVE to cry! I do! It’s such a huge release for me. It makes me feel free, empty yet whole, still, beautiful, and vulnerable. It’s an amazing feeling. Thank goodness my last boyfriend began to understand this part of me 😊. But yeah. I got to the point where I couldn’t even cry and that just… that just did it for me. I couldn’t go on like this anyways.

The funny thing about finding out I’m ‘a star’, was my whole life all I wanted to be was… a star! Sign, maybe? And when I was pondering my ‘life purpose’ all of these years, that kept ringing in my head. “you’re a star, you’re a star, you’re meant to be a star”. So, to me, that meant I’d have to get over myself and be the famous actor I’d always wanted. (yeah right). Little did I know that when I had asked for LITERAL, SPECIFIC SIGNS from my guides that I could understand, they gave it to me! But I perceived it as convoluted at the time and I bounced back and forth between trying to understand who I was now and whether or not to connect back to the start. Because when you’re in that space of not knowing who you are, you tend to go back to who you were when you were a child. What did you love? What lit you up? What put you in the vibrational frequency of what you are made of? Acting. Writing. Those were my major gigs. I even remember in 2nd grade when we had ‘career’ day, I just couldn’t fit in one box and I had THREE different careers! And even THAT was stifling to me! So hard to choose! So, I remember I wore glasses and a cardigan for my ‘teacher’ gig, I took the glasses off and had a pretend mic for my ‘singing’ gig, and I took the cardigan off and tussled my hair for my ‘acting’ gig.

So ironic because I suppose I embody the energy of all of those things now! And you’ll find you do too if that’s the space you’re still in.

“You’re a star, you’re a star, you’re a star”. Songs about stars, signs about stars, stars stars stars. I still wasn’t getting the drift. Until one day it finally hit me – starseed, Arcturus, star… YOU’RE. A. STAR.

Too funny. Except not because at the time that was NOT the answer I was looking for. Damnit. That’s not what I meant by clear and specific. I just wanted an ANSWER, a clear-cut GUIDE to what I was supposed to ‘do’ and how I was supposed to live. And I was certainly getting it, but not how I wanted it. I wanted the perfect answer: you’re _________. Go make money doing _______________. Your life purpose is ____________. So frustrating when you’re living from a victim, lack and scarcity mentality, right?

But finally, I started to get it. Finally, it started to seep in. Finally, I started to UNDERSTAND the STARseed I truly am. Because embodying your starseed self is about love over sacrifice, 5D over 3D, freedom over judgment, laughter over ego, light over dark, risks over scarcity, heart over mind. It’s about embodying your truest, highest and most expanded frequency and sharing that wealth with all that enters your life. It isn’t about something the mind can comprehend – it’s about so, so, so, so much more. More that can only be felt. More that can only be embodied and THEN see the physical manifestation of it. It’s ebb and flow, it’s a brand-new way to live. It’s who you are and once you connect to that it’s what alignment’s all about. Alignment isn’t about mindset work, doing ‘the work’, or forcing yourself into some identity shift just because that seems like the way out. Alignment is about literally lining (and lighting up) all the way with your galactic frequency above, because, let’s be real, you are SO SO SO SO SO much more than your physical self. And then bringing that back down to live an awesome and incredible life! It’s about LETTING GO and LETTING yourself SHINE.

And once I finally started to understand that, I started to EMBRACE my true self, my true reality. I started to go above, then within, so I could begin to recreate without (and without any of those previous circumstances). Gaining that perspective WAS the energetic shift I needed. I didn’t WANT to be a starseed. I didn’t WANT to be ‘that far out’. I didn’t WANT to stick out even more like a sore thumb than I already did! I thought it would, honestly, lead to more misery and lack, because I thought it would make me feel even MORE disconnected from life, MORE alone, MORE misunderstood… but in fact it’s been quite the opposite. All those things I just mentioned that I was trying to get over by therapy, mindset work, plain ol’ meditating, emotional healing, and so on and so forth, NEVER EVER TRULY ‘WORKED’ until I connected to my TRUE galactic self.

I had to FEEL at home first. I had to KNOW what that was all about. I had to REMEMBER who I was to create the life I’ve dreamed of. Disconnection – no longer. Loneliness – no longer. Abandonment – no longer. Because I always have home, I always have myself. I always have the stardust I am truly made of.

If you feel like or know you are a starseed, a lightworker sent from above, someone attracted to the galactic frequencies of the higher source… come join us over in the Starseed Nation where you can TRULY shine your light and connect with your galactic family! We’ll be holding each other in high vibe, discovering Truth, and finding love and support with your Galactic Tribe! Opt In and you’ll be given a lin with access to the Free Facebook Group. We may be from different Stars, but we are all one in the Universal Creative Energy of Source. Come align with your truth, be held accountable for your vibration, and shift into TRUE EMPOWERMENT as you embody your WHOLE self and LEAD with your light and love <3

Join Us!

Namaste dear ones,

Jenn

One thought on “Connecting to My Starseed Self

  1. Thank you for this!!!! Again, resonated so deep for me. I “signed up” but couldn’t click the Facebook group link… any way you could send it to me via abundance code group or just invite me in?
    ~Christa

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